I hate myself.
I’ve hated myself ever since I can remember. I don’t know why. I don’t know why I am the way I am. But I wish I wasn’t. I wish I at least understood why I am the way I am. But I don’t. I pray I can remember. I pray I can know something. Because I know I wasn’t born like this. I know it’s not a coincidence. My life isn’t normal. My thoughts aren’t normal. But I wish I was. God take this from me. Show me what to do. Show me how to fix it. Heal me and show me how to make it stop. It hurts. It hurts every day and more every night. And I do stupid things to get rid of it. Of the hurt. But it doesn’t. I don’t want to rebel any longer. But I don’t even know how not to.
One day I miss you terribly
All the collection of memories we shared
I wonder why I did not kiss you more often
Why I haven’t texted you yet, even though it’s been a year
I wonder why you left me and what was it that I did wrong? And
“How could I have been such an idiot to let you go?”
I wonder why the fuck I’m still living and when the will the last breath I take come get me.
Today I remembered why you left me
And how you put your selfish needs against us
You built a little wall and brought everyone to your side
Because you knew that without you I was weaker that you were my pride.
So some days I still miss you. I miss your loving hugs and your text messages
And the way you’d touch my hair. You were gentle.
But when you held my heart you were hard you were cold and stern.
I still wonder how I didn’t walk away
I looked for you and I pressed for your love
Because I couldn’t understand how you could love and then not love in a matter I minutes
It took you an hour to get in it and a second to destroy it
It took me over a year to get over it
My mom asked me today why I have so much hatred in my heart.
I don’t blame you or anyone but my pride.
But you and her, him and them, you helped destroy whatever was left.
And on that day I killed myself
Kissing you I killed myself
Remembering you I killed myself
Missing you I killed myself
Today I am nothing but a couple of words because I don’t know how to revive myself in my thoughts.
Sometimes I still think of you.
I miss you.
I search for you.
I ache for you.
I blame it ask on myself.
And I feel fake.
And then I remember I haven’t heard anything from you either.
The thought soothes me.
Sometimes I still stay up and think about you. I try not to, I really do. But my thoughts break loose and I just don’t get in time enough to catch them.
I think of everything I’ve gone through. All the sins I’ve committed. All the pain it put me through and all the stares that been given.
And for a second I think “It’s worth it”, I think maybe in a perfect world we’d take each other back and it would be that easy, and it would be worth it.
And then I think harder, deeper, stronger.. And I feel all the pain again, not just I’ve felt but caused. All the people in the way. All the time it took to even care. So I just pause.
The silence strikes my thoughts and I just want to cry amd the knot in my throat becomes tighter and the pulse in my head becomes louder.
And my rage comes on and I wanna scream, I want to leave. And hide in the deepest section of the earth because that’s where the darkness of my soul would feel comfortable to breathe. Because the light burns the skin but the dark brings me peace.
Forgive me, and then I think and I can’t belived you blamed me. You added my name in front of all of your problems as an excuse to play them. Now they think I’m a con artist but you’re the faker. They feel sorry for you when they should be feeling sorry for themselves. What they don’t know, you’re just adding them to your library of empty shelves.
I want to think of you as my ultimate lover, but you don’t realize you’re yet not there. I don’t want to change who are I want you try. Because everytime you’re around me I want to die.
You melt my heart yet you freeze my bones. Then everytime I look at you it turns to stone.
It’s not my fault you need to grow up. You need to mature and you need to man up. Because I know you’re sensitive but i’m the girl bro.
So take me seriously but take me kindly.
I don’t want to decay, I want to grow.