You will always be too much of something for someone: too big, too loud, too soft, too edgy. If you round out your edges, you lose your edge.
Apologize for mistakes. Apologize for unintentionally hurting someone — profusely. But don’t apologize for being who you are.
The more I think about it the less I want to think about it because I get furious just thinking that so many people knew. I understood it coming from that genius I decided to get with. I mean, no life what do you expect. But you and I had something. Something real. Or so I thought. Goddamn I’m so sad. I still think about you. So much and I get so lonely every time I do. My heart breaks more and more thinking I’m without you. Why? Why did you leave me a second time the same way you did the first. Why did you love me and then not. I don’t understand. Why is the whole world moving on around me and I’m still stuck in this dark hole? Why? I just want to know. I want you to tell me you never loved me so that I can move on. Tell me that we never meant anything. That the I love yous were fake and it was all an act. I need it. I can’t stay stuck in this phase. I can’t be with anyone else but you. I need closure now more than even. Because I fucking miss you more than ever.
I hate myself.
I’ve hated myself ever since I can remember. I don’t know why. I don’t know why I am the way I am. But I wish I wasn’t. I wish I at least understood why I am the way I am. But I don’t. I pray I can remember. I pray I can know something. Because I know I wasn’t born like this. I know it’s not a coincidence. My life isn’t normal. My thoughts aren’t normal. But I wish I was. God take this from me. Show me what to do. Show me how to fix it. Heal me and show me how to make it stop. It hurts. It hurts every day and more every night. And I do stupid things to get rid of it. Of the hurt. But it doesn’t. I don’t want to rebel any longer. But I don’t even know how not to.
One day I miss you terribly
All the collection of memories we shared
I wonder why I did not kiss you more often
Why I haven’t texted you yet, even though it’s been a year
I wonder why you left me and what was it that I did wrong? And
“How could I have been such an idiot to let you go?”
I wonder why the fuck I’m still living and when the will the last breath I take come get me.
Today I remembered why you left me
And how you put your selfish needs against us
You built a little wall and brought everyone to your side
Because you knew that without you I was weaker that you were my pride.
So some days I still miss you. I miss your loving hugs and your text messages
And the way you’d touch my hair. You were gentle.
But when you held my heart you were hard you were cold and stern.
I still wonder how I didn’t walk away
I looked for you and I pressed for your love
Because I couldn’t understand how you could love and then not love in a matter I minutes
It took you an hour to get in it and a second to destroy it
It took me over a year to get over it
My mom asked me today why I have so much hatred in my heart.
I don’t blame you or anyone but my pride.
But you and her, him and them, you helped destroy whatever was left.
And on that day I killed myself
Kissing you I killed myself
Remembering you I killed myself
Missing you I killed myself
Today I am nothing but a couple of words because I don’t know how to revive myself in my thoughts.