Sometimes I still think of you.
I miss you.
I search for you.
I ache for you.
I blame it ask on myself.
And I feel fake.
And then I remember I haven’t heard anything from you either.
The thought soothes me.
Sometimes I still stay up and think about you. I try not to, I really do. But my thoughts break loose and I just don’t get in time enough to catch them.
I think of everything I’ve gone through. All the sins I’ve committed. All the pain it put me through and all the stares that been given.
And for a second I think “It’s worth it”, I think maybe in a perfect world we’d take each other back and it would be that easy, and it would be worth it.
And then I think harder, deeper, stronger.. And I feel all the pain again, not just I’ve felt but caused. All the people in the way. All the time it took to even care. So I just pause.
The silence strikes my thoughts and I just want to cry amd the knot in my throat becomes tighter and the pulse in my head becomes louder.
And my rage comes on and I wanna scream, I want to leave. And hide in the deepest section of the earth because that’s where the darkness of my soul would feel comfortable to breathe. Because the light burns the skin but the dark brings me peace.
Forgive me, and then I think and I can’t belived you blamed me. You added my name in front of all of your problems as an excuse to play them. Now they think I’m a con artist but you’re the faker. They feel sorry for you when they should be feeling sorry for themselves. What they don’t know, you’re just adding them to your library of empty shelves.
I want to think of you as my ultimate lover, but you don’t realize you’re yet not there. I don’t want to change who are I want you try. Because everytime you’re around me I want to die.
You melt my heart yet you freeze my bones. Then everytime I look at you it turns to stone.
It’s not my fault you need to grow up. You need to mature and you need to man up. Because I know you’re sensitive but i’m the girl bro.
So take me seriously but take me kindly.
I don’t want to decay, I want to grow.
Go back to your busy lives.
Where all you do is care about yourself.
I’m probably wrong too.
But personally, I don’t care.
I want everybody to forget.
I’m not ashamed, I’m annoyed.
I wish I had my innocence back.
I wish I could be who I once was.
I wish everything could go away.
I wish I wasn’t the topic of people’s conversations.
I wish people didn’t hate me.
I wish I didn’t hate myself.
I wish I would want to be alive instead of wanting to cry.