So I really thought between us there was a connection.
Turns out apparently it was all just bad reception.
On my end everything looked smooth and clear.
But apparently your glasses were fogged up with tears.
Then it all came down to turning tables, why is it that the pain was amplified towards me?
Why is it that all of the sudden it was my fault and I’m the bad guy?
All I ever wanted was for us to be happy.
I wanted love.
I wanted us.
But it didn’t work and it was obvious.
Believe me when I tell you there was no other way.
You somehow managed to make everyone turn away.
With disgust they looked at me even my own mother.
In the pain I stand strong and only cry in my shower.
You will always be too much of something for someone: too big, too loud, too soft, too edgy. If you round out your edges, you lose your edge.
Apologize for mistakes. Apologize for unintentionally hurting someone — profusely. But don’t apologize for being who you are.
The more I think about it the less I want to think about it because I get furious just thinking that so many people knew. I understood it coming from that genius I decided to get with. I mean, no life what do you expect. But you and I had something. Something real. Or so I thought. Goddamn I’m so sad. I still think about you. So much and I get so lonely every time I do. My heart breaks more and more thinking I’m without you. Why? Why did you leave me a second time the same way you did the first. Why did you love me and then not. I don’t understand. Why is the whole world moving on around me and I’m still stuck in this dark hole? Why? I just want to know. I want you to tell me you never loved me so that I can move on. Tell me that we never meant anything. That the I love yous were fake and it was all an act. I need it. I can’t stay stuck in this phase. I can’t be with anyone else but you. I need closure now more than even. Because I fucking miss you more than ever.
I hate myself.
I’ve hated myself ever since I can remember. I don’t know why. I don’t know why I am the way I am. But I wish I wasn’t. I wish I at least understood why I am the way I am. But I don’t. I pray I can remember. I pray I can know something. Because I know I wasn’t born like this. I know it’s not a coincidence. My life isn’t normal. My thoughts aren’t normal. But I wish I was. God take this from me. Show me what to do. Show me how to fix it. Heal me and show me how to make it stop. It hurts. It hurts every day and more every night. And I do stupid things to get rid of it. Of the hurt. But it doesn’t. I don’t want to rebel any longer. But I don’t even know how not to.